indulge me

baby fever.

what's a single, thirty-year-old woman who's watching her whole world couple up to do when that thing hits?

it's building, and building....

i don't have any answers. it feels like a big empty space in an otherwise happy, full life. i don't know why i haven't married yet. i tell myself again and again, like a mantra, that it must be for a reason.

i think i'm fairly pretty. i'm sweet, i'm independent. too independent? i don't think i give off that vibe.

i don't know why it's been this way for me. i do know that it took me a long time to learn things about relationships that i guess for most people come easily.

i haven't been in a serious relationship for just over three years now.

i don't know why i'm sharing this so intimately with blog land. that scares me. but since this is my journal, well ... i'm putting it out there.

seems like every guy i've dated or quasi "seen" since i've been here ... just not right in some glaring way, or totally not right, or totally non-committal, flippant. if they're still in their twenties, they're immature. if they're nearly forty or older, they have baggage. .. divorce, children.

it's a tough age on the dating scene. it's hard not to think something's wrong with you, but then you look at how you live and you look in the mirror and you can't reconcile that, either.

sometimes, it's honestly just painfully lonely. a part of me truly aches, like i can feel the ache, like a toothache that's livable but never truly goes away, it's always in the background.

this doesn't mean i spend every day lamenting my single-hood. it's been the best thing to ever happen to me. just now is a funny life phase of it seeming like 95 percent of friends or people i know are coupled up ... getting engaged ... having children. people younger than me, often.

i know i'm not ready yet financially, and that's part of the reason. i don't know where i might be three years down the road. part of me wants to travel to africa and ireland. all part of it.

it still aches to watch a pregnant friend hold another friend's 9-day-old baby. to watch another friend's fiance hold her in his strong arms, to imagine that that will almost certainly be him in a couple more years.

to watch a guy friend i've always had a secret little love for with his girlfriend.

i'm wondering where this pre-nesting fever will go. how high does it get? when does it come down?

is this time meaningful, does it mean the puzzle pieces will soon fall into place in my own life? is my energy awakening to all of this for a reason?

i often hope so. 'cause lately it's as little as being called "buddy" by someone I liked in an e-mail, or a bunch of people slow-dancing at a show while I sit there feeling like a rejected prom date that sets off my little internal roller coaster going up and down hills.

thank you for giving me this space to reflect upon my turbulent feelings tonight. i'm feeling a wide range of emotions about it, which i can't even put into words.

well, i guess i just did ... not the emotions, but i did outpour the words that the emotions are all active over.

or i could do::sadlonelyhopefulwishingdreamingprayingfearfulanxioustenseworriedwonderingunsurequestioninglikeimtheonlyoneinsixthgradewhohasn'tbeenaskedtodanceandit'smortifyingunrequitedmisunderstoodthecastoffthepracticegirlirritatedfloatingadrift..........................

...well, really now. I'm okay. perhaps this is just a hormonal phase? i've heard of that before. and i don't think it's anywhere near over. so i'm hoping it can spill over into something really, really good before too long.

a few good things are on my side, there. we'll see what time brings, i guess.

I hope you're still reading ...

... because this post is important to me. even without pictures. trust me, "go get camera fixed" is on my list.

i'm having a quiet friday night at home, catching up on blogs, reading (the last chapter of Animal Vegetable Miracle which I highly recommend, about to start Eating Animals for my May book club), and making 2 homemade pizza crusts from Vegan with a Vengeance. Tomorrow night I will make pizza! With broccoli, onions, and peppers and a homemade red sauce. Very easy, and hopefully very yummy too!

my best friend was here for a week, what a delight that was! (and i apologize (heather, Frugal Trenches, Rhonda) if i left some of you comments under the name Sarah K ... didn't realize she was logged in to blogspot under here name!! oops!!!)

I've had a lot of restless spring energy lately, and it's been spurring me on to get back on track with my simple living plans. Why is it so hard to change one's lifestyle, sometimes even the baby steps are hard!!

This post is going to be a reflective one ... so much churning in my head and heart, no idea where even to begin. I've been wanting to do this kind of post for a while now.

I want to live a simple life. I've wanted this since I first happened across Rhonda Jean's "Down to Earth" blog in March of 2008, desperately looking for something beyond the sad, surface-level existence I thought "was all." You know, work every day for the rest of your life, never have enough money for anything. Very bleak. And then, yeah, I found Rhonda. And everything changed in that instant. Everything grew from that one seed. Rhonda, I'm eternally grateful to your blog for opening entire new vistas to me.

You see, probably 99.5 percent of people my age grew up on microwaved, processed food. Our moms worked all day, we went to day care. We went out for McDonald's or pizza on friday nights. We watched TV, we were the first generation of video game players. And then we went to college, graduated, and got "jobs."

I didn't know what I was missing, but I felt empty inside. At the time I was working two jobs and it was very difficult. I still have no idea how to manage money. Home economics MUST make a comeback in public schools! Balancing a checkbook should be on there!

As of March 2008, I was still cooking processed foods, albeit largely organic. I didn't know how to knit. The domestic arts were nowhere on my radar. I still cleaned with commonly sold chemicals. I never thought about gardens or farmer's markets.

Fast-forward two years, and the changes I've made are enormous: transition to cooking everything I make at home from scratch, becoming mostly vegan, learning to knit, using homemade dishcloths and vinegar and essential oils to clean (and non chlorine dishwasher soap), soap nuts for the laundry. I stockpile food basics, spices, etc.

My spending habits are still not as pretty, and I fully believe it's because I haven't been ready for that commitment yet. If I was, I wouldn't keep using my credit card for silly things, or running down my checking account by swiping my debit card with abandon. I've tried, at least, to set aside a good chunk of my monthly paycheck, but lately I've needed to transfer money into my checking to cover a very low account.

I buy silly things, smoothies and goodwill clothing and expensive yarn that sits around, books upon books that i don't get to for several years. My food budget is the most out-of-control. I shop at Whole Foods, two local natural foods stores, the farmer's market. I can't believe how fast I can rack up $170, $140, $90. On seemingly nothing! In-between all these sprees, I get flashes of a homestead with a husband and happy baby. In these daydreams, I am fairly self-sufficent (at least way more than most). I don't NEED all this STUFF.

So you see, I simplifed my WAY of living, but perhaps have not yet simplified the LIVING itself. I have not been ready to take the leap toward financial independence. I very very much want to be a stay-at-home mom/homesteader, working only part-time at the most, if absolutely necessary. I'm contemplating purchasing a home sometime in this decade (I just turned 30).

But I know if I want these things to happen, I need to MAKE them happen by committing, as i did when deciding to commit to living a simpler way. Sure, I stopped buying processed food and shopping at the mall. But I did not stop being a consumer. That's a hard brainwash to part with, let me tell you, especially when as a kid you were so often told "no" when "all the other kids" were told "yes." sigh ... i do believe what we experience in childhood is hard to break, no matter how silly it is.

but i can't focus on the past. lately, i've felt a strong urgency toward moving to the next step of a simple life. As my blog friend Frugal Trenches often says, it will involve sacrifices in the beginning, especially when you're in debt (as i am, both school and credit card). I'm not in bad CC debt, but my student debt is high (thankfully it's looked on favorably for credit ratings) ...

I have three years left in Louisville, mininum (job contract). During those three years, in which I will probably still be unmarried and childless (woe is me, you have no idea how my baby fever builds when i hear, in one week, of THREE friends being pregnant and a fourth just having had her second baby!!), I plan to save like no one's business, pay down my debt considerably, learn more about self-sufficiency, and still live a pretty darned happy existence.

Rhonda's plan is for families; this is my single-girl-takes-on-the-world plan from here on out ....

simpler meals -- not boring, but not necessarily concoctions which need gourmet organic ingredients. I'm buying half a CSA share from my friend's farm for june-november. I believe this will help my grocery bill considerably for those months, and allow me to try new things while remaining "simple."

paying for everything (except for big stuff, obviously, like car repair), like groceries, with CASH. a beer out? CASH. The debit card is too magical, especially when you don't ever balance a thing like i do. I like the idea of having a "cash allowance" in hand ... literally.

learning about growing more edibles - oregano, sage, garlic, onions. I already have swiss chard, romaine, and basil coming up out of containers!!

avoiding restaurant meals. this is a tough one for me. I talked to my best friend about it, realizing i do this several times a week because i live alone and hey ... it's a hard business working full-time, being a grad student, making every meal from scratch (with going in and out of menu planning phases)which takes hours a couple of nights each week, cleaning up everything after every meal, keeping the whole apartment clean (6 rooms!), etc. etc. It also gets lonely, and I think when people live alone (which overall is GREAT), it can cause some anxiety as you tend to live too much in your own head, worrying about all the kinds of things in this world there are to worry about, with no one to level you out, no one to vent to. you know? so yeah ... sometimes it's nice to leave the cooking and cleaning to someone else. but i'm feeling committal these days ... so i might just set a goal of once a week, and try to reduce that further. instead of eating out alone, i want to focus on being around people more frequently, out for a beer or a coffee (much less expensive, and more fun, than dinner alone).

My eating schedule is kind of annoying. I eat breakfast at the same time each day, about 45 minutes after I arrive at school (I do the morning child care). three and a half hours later, i eat lunch. both are homemade. by the time school is over three hours later, i'm already starving. oddly, i almost always have some kind of nuts or fruit on me for a quick pick-me-up while I do errands or hang around before a yoga class (easier than going all the way home, and back), yet instead i go for a $7 sandwich at a health food store, or hit the coffeeshop. WHY do we do this? Because, I truly believe, we are not COMMITTED to change, sure, but also I think it's just very very hard to change years-long habits. However, this too must end.

My goodwill trolling, antiquing and yard-saling, while incredibly fun, also must stop (unless I see classroom stuffs, which is another blog post altogether, oy). Book buying, too. Even though much of what i own is now largely secondhand, I still have ... way. too. much. Why can't Americans be happy living on so much less? There are those in devloping nations who are, and do. I'd love to visit and spend some time among them, learning. I really would.

What I'm getting at with all this blather is that I've identified my major life goals as family, homesteading, homeschooling, knitting and sewing, baking, cooking, gardening. I only get one shot. This is it.

my future goals are, in addition to the ones i've already 99 percent committed to (there is still that part of me that stubbornly hangs on, grr)...

make my own granola, soy yogurt, seitan, pasta, tofu, (cheese?) ... the carbon footprints on vegan foods are terrible, i want to see if a sustainable vegan diet is possible. by the way, i'm still torn on the question of whether or not to include LOCAL, pasture-raised egg and cheese products in my diet on an infrequent basis. not sure i've posted on that, but i'm sure i will at some point.

buy food that's as close to 100 percent local/regional as possible...it's going to be so hard to avoid greens from California, and i'm giving up bananas/kiwis here ...

grow more of my own edibles in containers over the next three years. order a few heirloom things from seed catalogs in january.

line dry clothes (i like frugal trenches' idea for doing it in the kitchen in winter, the warmest room in the house!) on my sunporch (probably to the chagrin of my neighbors)

ride the bus, ride my bike, drive less, plan errand trips more efficiently

this summer:: put SOME food by, probably for sundried tomatoes and some blanched/frozen local veg to last me through winter for soups, pizzas, etc. also some local berries/apples for pie fillings and cobblers and smoothies. I will have to learn how to do this, as it's never been taught to me. Also perhaps save a bushel of local potatoes, apples, onions, through winter. We'll see. I wouldn't even mind having to buy a college-sized freezer to host any overflow!! (I can fit a chest freezer into my apartment, but I wonder what the electric bill would be ...hm...any ideas?)


make most of my gifts, i.e. vegan peppermint bark and dishcloths, for birthdays/holidays, or buy practical but pretty items or items from goodwill

Basically these are all ideas I've had for a couple of years now, and I have implemented most of them on some level, but I think my next step (beyond the COMMITTING) is the cash system, and just always asking myself the questions, "How can I simplifying? Am I being simple here? Do I really need such and such? Can i wait one more hour for dinner?"

If you're still with me, thanks for letting me go on and on. I needed this kind of post to help restore my vision for the future. Sometimes, it gets a little murky, bogged down in the mucky waters of daily life.

Yet it persists.

And this, I know, is true.

Any thoughts you have on these thoughts/plans/dreams are encouraged and appreciated.

now if you'll excuse me, I have a clogged bathtub to un-clog!! (ick)

peace,

karen

still here, just busy

i'm here. times are busy .... i've been working. i've been ruminating. i've been failing miserably at all things financial. but at all else i've done pretty well so i won't give up the good fight against money's desire to burn a hole in my pocket and scatter in the wind.

i'm watching project runway and having a crush on seth aaron ;-) i love this season!

my best friend will be here all this weekend .. we have lots of good things planned, including a vegan dessert party and yard sale-ing!

this blog has been sparse so there will be a longer, reflective post soon. sometimes i feel this is all i use it for, despite my efforts to be more "snappy" with it. i guess we are who we are, and no mistaking it, even to ourselves.

spring is in full bloom here. i've just had a week off work to enjoy it fully, including long long daily walks.

hope all is well in your corners of the world. i've created some happy spring-like corners here! (just can't see them thanks to mr. camera...sigh)

here's to keeping busy sans camera

oh goodness, i am so sorry for the current lack of pictures on this site ... i don't know what to do about my camera :-( i might just reorder the same one if i can find it. the first one was refurbished.

so what's a blogger without a camera to do except wince a little whenever she sees a great photo op? well here's a few ideas::

teach herself magic loop knitting (not so bad!! if i can do the toe i can do the heel when i get to it!!) AND how to knit front to back (very easy!) :-) yayyyyy for awesome internet tutorials.

talk to her swiss chard (stubborn....) and cat grass (tons of sprouts emerged yesterday!!), and plant romaine seedlings from the first farmer's market visit of the year, and plant basil seeds next to the romaine

see her farmer friend Nick, who's reserving a portion of a CSA (produce only) share for me, yay!

bake a vegan lasagna off the top of her head, no recipe, and having it come out awesome, then bringing said dish, still very hot, to a vegetarian Earthsave potluck at someone's home

read more of the awesome book Animal, Vegetable, Miracle

attend the second meeting of the Louisville vegetarian club, discussing healthier ways to eat living (not dead!) foods, and planning a bi-monthly book club!! Eating Animals by (Jonathan Safroer?) is the first one. I'm so excited.

look up recipes for parsnips, which I got from one of the few local farmers setting up shop at the market

troll town for yard sales (only found one, and was too late for another) .... will do this again next weekend!

bake the following, all from the modern ayurvedic cookbook: Blueberry/Almond eggless muffins, bean pilau, coconut/vegetable tofu medley, steamed swiss chard with balsamic, and of course ... green smoothies.

try hard to catch up on some montessori homework (oy vey.....)

plan a trip to Asheville, N.C. with my best friend for spring break week.

listen to jazz all day on NPR

guess that's not too bad .... but i still miss my camera! :-)

happy week, everyone. mine gets to start with two parties at friends' homes: a clothing swap monday night, and a social-justice group fundraiser tuesday night, complete with two bands. this will make me miss yoga not too much, as i recover from what must be a shoulder-area muscle pull (ouch!) all week.

just a beautiful spring day

how i *wish* i could post pictures! my camera still takes them, but you have to hold the on button while you do it. :-(

so much beauty in this sunny, warm, spring day!!

children collecting beech flowers on the playground

children planting carrot seeds

talking to my plants (yes) ... my swiss chard and cat grass, which have yet to poke through the dirt! and watering them.

stored winter veg (i'm really going locavore again soon (shopping at the farmer's market this weekend!), and joining a local CSA this year, and GROWING MY OWN!! I'm reading soooo quickly through Animal, Vegetable, Miracle and already dreaming of the heirloom seed catalogs I'm gonna be ordering from next spring) -- sweet potato and acorn squash -- roasting along with olive oil and spices in the oven ... easy dinner with brown basmati rice

my sunporch at 5:45 p.m. with me and computer on it

an evening walk around my pretty neighborhood

40-in. circular needles that have finally come in -- here we go, knee socks!!

getting re-inspired to finish the rest of my Montessori assignments by a friend who I just found out is doing the same training this summer that I did!! She's going to LOVE it, I sure did!! Wish I could do it again (without all the work! lol)!

dreaming of getting a pasta maker for christmas

dreaming of living on a working organic farm

dreaming of knitting an Elizabeth Zimmerman sweater

dreaming of trips to Asheville, N.C. (possibly in another week!) and Montana

a co-worker is in the hospital and not doing well. I get paid Friday and will send her some flowers over the weekend. it's looking like it's going to be a common surgical procedure, but she's in a lot of pain and i'm sending healing energy her way. I can't imagine going through it, and I am terrified of hospitals.

don't you love the smell of spring hyacinth? I'm so lucky to have some on my porch!

vegan carrot/pineapple muffins

you must make this ... SO good! DON'T skip the icing! I halved the recipe and it made 20 good-sized muffins. I used agave instead of honey ... I'm a vegan girl that does use honey (ONLY local), but all I have is two huge bottles of raw and that's not pouring stuff. By the way when you buy agave ... make sure it's RAW BLUE ORGANIC agave...the other stuff might just be processed like the evil stepsister, HFCS.

http://breads-muffins.suite101.com/article.cfm/vegan_carrot_cake_muffin_recipe

happy spring baking! took a lovely walk at twilight tonight in a very gentle rain ... the smell of spring was everywhere, from honeysuckle to mud, and I saw some magnificent buds and blossoms!!

<3

a little spring post accompanied by a broken camera

bad news! my camera appears to be broken ... and just in time, i had some beautiful spring-happening pictures to share. Oh, well. I must figure out what to do .... a local place that repairs them maybe? sigh ... far and few between these days.

on today's agenda:

coffee and menu planning
grocery shopping
a stop at our local art museum for possible prints for next year's classroom walls
montessori homework
plant swiss chard seeds (i planted cat grass seeds yesterday!)
mop kitchen floor and give stovetop a full clean
possibly full clean bathroom, but erm maybe that can wait :-)
read Stones into Schools or Animal, Vegetable, Miracle.

I'm giving my body a break from anything. Friday night and yesterday morning, I participated in half a yoga workshop and my body is feeling all the poses I'm not used to. I'll be back to yoga and my 2.5-5 mile walks this week coming up, though.

next weekend, I'm hoping some yard sales will be out. It's nearly that time of year again! I'm also hoping to clean out my very messy car and take it to a carwash for its yearly (lol) clean.

i'm considering renting out my house for the weekend of the Kentucky Derby. It'd make me rent money for my summer (when I'm not paid) and pay for food, etc. I'd drive them to and from the Derby (no paying for parking/worrying about how much they can drink), and make them a vegetarian breakfast each morning and have snacks available for late night. Hello organic cheese section.

the daffodils are up.

happy planting, and happy spring gallivanting to you! it's finally here!

This is what happens when you "just stop in quick to goodwill." (among a few other items I did not photograph, but they are all *adorable* classroom stuff)



a rare, vintage $15 find. I immediately thought of the red chair in your kitchen, Heather at Beauty that Moves! The seat flips up and becomes another step ... oh-so-cool. look at that cheerful spring color!

pic of eclectic lime-green and wood $71 armchair to come ... oh, i just couldn't leave it there!

(i assure you, there is an ING account with saved money going into it regularly!)

This weekend, I'm going to plant things for the first time in my life. Here are my goals: (don't know why it loaded sideways, lol!!)


Knitting projects of late include dishcloths and headscarves (easy), challenges soon to come are magic loop socks and mayyyyybe the February lady sweater by Elizabeth Zimmerman (loved yours, Soule Mama!) or something similar. I am terrified of doing both but going to plunge ahead ... I've been knitting almost two years already and nothing past headscarves, simple hats, scarves, and dishcloths. Here we go!

My BEST friend in the world is coming to stay with me for a few weeks next week! I've already started cleaning this house I've been so lazy on. It's amazing how much better the energy moves through the rooms when you've picked up just a very little! On deck for this weekend (not so much for her sake, but she's the excuse!):: a full kitchen-floor and stove clean, a full bathroom clean, and sweeping of all my wooden floors and shaking out of rugs.

The crocuses are up and the daffodils are on their way! Now if only the sun could come to visit ...



The vegan -- yes, VEGAN!! -- pizza came out very good. The dough, out of the book Vegan with a Vengeance (i highly recommend it!), makes two crusts. The pizza I made tonight to last through the rest of the week's dinners is the same, but with broccoli added. Poor broccoli, scorched a bit. Oh, well. It will still taste good, I'm sure.

Hopefully I can find a cup of peppermint tea, fold a tiny bit of Laundry Mountain, and get to bed before midnight.

A little update

Hi, there.

Still chipping away at the Montessori work ... not nearly as quickly or diligently as I'd like. I've got a bit of seasonal in-transition weirdness going on internally. Almost like I'm not sure where my feet are, so I'm kind of half-heartedly into everything. It's hard to explain. My spirits are up, but my intentions are kind of everywhere, thinking about everything all at once ... a bit confusing, really. I try to ground myself as much as I can but I can do better here. I guess it's normal for this time of year ..??

Had a nice weekend, going to see Norah Jones, who sounds just like her albums live. She's very sweet and unaffected by her fame. I love that she has stayed very true to herself and hasn't "sold out" to an industry that expects too much from young women. I also attended the monthly vegetarian potluck for Earthsave Louisville, and saw yet another band fronted by a very energetic and lovely woman named Genevieve. Check out Company of Thieves, they're amazing! I'm going to knit her a headscarf. Seriously.

I slept in very late today, made later by daylight savings ... grrr. At least the sun will stay out longer now! I'll be home all day, making pizza dough from scratch (thanks Vegan with a Vengeance!!) ... pesto and mushroom toppings. Getting a tiny bit (bah) more Montessori work done.

I hope to start learning the magic loop technique for knee socks this week. I also hope to get my sewing machine turned on within the next couple of weeks and setting to work making some cloths for my classroom next year. I have no idea what I'm doing beyond winding the bobbin (and barely at that) ... I still have no sewing table .. but I'm hoping my dining room table will work for now as both a cutting table and sewing center.

I need to get Swiss chard potted ... maybe next weekend. This will be the first edible thing I've ever grown! I'm beginning to also think about a tiny herb garden outside the classroom next year. I have no idea what I'm doing and I hope the Internet will help.

As you can see, I have some ambitious reading planned -- I need inspirational words right now. It's like the fuel that keeps me going.

Yoga practice is going strong ... I'd like to do some Zen "sitting" at home for even just a few minutes a couple times a week, to start.

There are robins about everywhere. It's nice to see. Some of the trees are showing tiny buds, and daffodils are just now poking themselves out of the ground. Take the time to notice these things, slow yourself down.

Have a good week.

i'm grateful, really ...

sometimes one must use a blog to get out some frustrations, like ...

never enough time in one day

too much solo cooking, cleaning, no one to just curl up with and watch a movie with at day's end with a bowl of popcorn in between

messy living room that looks more like a Montessori classroom

huge annoying pile of paper waiting to be shredded for the compost

lack of husband, child, and large old country home where i homeschool said child

cats who scratch, scratch, scratch the furniture to pieces

too much homework left to accomplish, and weekends that don't help the cause by being bright and sunny with lots of goings-on.

not being a morning person but forced to get up wayyyyyyyyyy too early every day.

soooo little time for sewing ........... knitting .............

okay i'm done :-) and really, i'm grateful for so many things. this was just a vent.