Tuesday, August 18, 2009

ten days ...

Until the new financial me begins. That's my first payday of the year. Details will come to you when I've put them in place. I'm excited to be on track to being a homeowner (??!!) within the next five years, if I can repair my credit fully in that time. Within that five years, I'd like to move to an apartment that *most definitely* has the following: a porch, a small space for gardening, an AMPLE kitchen, hardwood floors, and an extra room for a crafting/artsy/sewing/knitting space. Does anyone know, is it possible to recover credit in such a short span? By paying all debt, not incurring more, and amassing a fairly formidable savings?

Until I have the option of getting back on the yoga mat in a beautiful studio I was lucky to find.

Until the crazy first two weeks of school are over with.

Until my FAVORITE month of the whole entire year begins (well, plus 3 days ...)

Ten days, and things will be rolling. Until then, I am trying to see the span as a necessary pause before the busyness which shall undoubtedly ensue. I'm trying to let go into a new relationship. It's hard to do, for the first time in my life, it's hard for me to enter a new relationship! I can't explain it so well, I guess after years of heartache and dependence on someone else for happiness and then after three years of major upheaval and starting from scratch with everything, then growing into the strong woman I am today ... well, I'm just looking at relationships in a new paradigm. Part of this is good ... I won't settle into something that's going to make me feel like I can't, or that holds me back from, achieving my goals in life. Part of it is a struggle: am I finding the flaws, or worse, magnifying them, creating them - less as a defense mechanism than as just a defiant "well i was fine on my own?" It's okay ... and he reads this blog. I have nothing to hide, we've discussed all this together. He knows I'm at a point in my life where I feel as though I'm on a spiritual awakening (largely due to my yoga practice coming off the mat with me now); but an awakening, not just in terms of viewing the world and the energies which surround and sustain us, but also in terms of having a near-spiritual sense of obligation to walk lightly on this earth (at the expense of often being seen as the wingnut environmentalist/vegan/hippie/Pollyanna ... sigh ... it is isolating-feeling sometimes to be walking one way when everyone else is trampling over you in the other direction to get to the next sale...), and also in terms of beginning to think more like -- gasp!! -- a near-future mom! I'm only about six years away from being ready, financially at least, to have (or adopt, i'm not sure my lot yet) children. One child, to start. Sure, we must live in the moment, and I do my fair amount of that. But when we shift our paradigms, do we not look for partners that fit our bill? Is that fair? Part of me thinks yes, part of me thinks, not too far ahead, Karen. Enjoy your time now and realize it doesn't have to be forever if you are not sure. Might it be forever? Sure.

In addition to trying to let myself be in love ... ; )

I have to complete a lot of assignments for school, and on top of that, 80 hours of student teaching. As well as find my place in a third "new" classroom as an assistant this year. I have to keep track of the students, where they're at, what they'll need. One day, the students' progress will be my responsibility. Will I be ready? A lot of that answer depends on what I do now. The reading, the doing, the materials-making, the studying.

I'm heading up the school knitting club this year. I'm planning on taking a sewing class. I'm going to knit some Christmas presents and come up with some other local/sustainable/handmade gifts. I'm going to give of my time, my baking, my money, to others. I'm going to have a car-free day and a lights-free day. I'm going to read about, and maybe even start up, a cold frame growing spinach and Swiss chard. I'm going to try and read more books. I'm going to truck my full bowl of compost up to my neighborhood compost pile, week after week, even when it's cold outside. I'm going to have small dinners with friends at my home and an autumn (and maybe spring!) clothing swap. I'm going to do my walks, in the park or around my neighborhood, as close to every day as humanly possible. I'm going to drink more green tea and get as much regular sleep as possible. I'm going to reclaim Sundays as the beginning of my week, a day to enjoy simple hobbies, good food, good friends, the gift of life.

I'm not stating any of it to take pride, or to have others admire the work I'm planning. I believe it's incredibly hard work to remain educated, active, engaged in life. I do this often, along with reading all of your beautifully-inspired blogs, to stay focused on what is truly important in my life. To reaffirm those things to myself, again and again and again. I will stay at home with my children. I will remain committed to a simple, frugal lifestyle. I will make my own cleaners and bake and cook from scratch. I will make what I can for myself and for others. I will. I will. I will ....

... because I CAN. Because of all of you, and because of this fire I have inside my belly that I hope never dies. I hope it's an eternal flame.

"I want to be thoroughly used up when I die."


  1. Wow, you have so many plans for the future. Hopefully everything will go according to plan and you'll be able to actually start living those dreams! Good luck. :)

  2. I am so moved by your zeal!! Let me really cheer you on, in your incredible determination and thought to make your life the one you've always wanted!! (I also hope you don't heap too much stress on yourself to see that through.) Cold frame growing. Composting. I nearly miss those. Clothing swap (WISH I could be there!!) You are SO aware -- that "letting go" is part of the process, too. Especially to love - JT seems like such a wonderful addition to your life, but it's good to know that you are more than FINE on your own, too! I tend to want to be on my own for the same reasons - my values are to be strong and autonomous, not needy. Ideally, we can be emotionally vulnerable and share love / retain our individuality, too. But alas, this dance of love and friendship is the foundation for the kind of future family life that grounds you. I will be SO interested to know the plans that you've actualized and the ones that have made all the difference in the end. Love you!!! - Sarah