Thursday, April 29, 2010

indulge me

baby fever.

what's a single, thirty-year-old woman who's watching her whole world couple up to do when that thing hits?

it's building, and building....

i don't have any answers. it feels like a big empty space in an otherwise happy, full life. i don't know why i haven't married yet. i tell myself again and again, like a mantra, that it must be for a reason.

i think i'm fairly pretty. i'm sweet, i'm independent. too independent? i don't think i give off that vibe.

i don't know why it's been this way for me. i do know that it took me a long time to learn things about relationships that i guess for most people come easily.

i haven't been in a serious relationship for just over three years now.

i don't know why i'm sharing this so intimately with blog land. that scares me. but since this is my journal, well ... i'm putting it out there.

seems like every guy i've dated or quasi "seen" since i've been here ... just not right in some glaring way, or totally not right, or totally non-committal, flippant. if they're still in their twenties, they're immature. if they're nearly forty or older, they have baggage. .. divorce, children.

it's a tough age on the dating scene. it's hard not to think something's wrong with you, but then you look at how you live and you look in the mirror and you can't reconcile that, either.

sometimes, it's honestly just painfully lonely. a part of me truly aches, like i can feel the ache, like a toothache that's livable but never truly goes away, it's always in the background.

this doesn't mean i spend every day lamenting my single-hood. it's been the best thing to ever happen to me. just now is a funny life phase of it seeming like 95 percent of friends or people i know are coupled up ... getting engaged ... having children. people younger than me, often.

i know i'm not ready yet financially, and that's part of the reason. i don't know where i might be three years down the road. part of me wants to travel to africa and ireland. all part of it.

it still aches to watch a pregnant friend hold another friend's 9-day-old baby. to watch another friend's fiance hold her in his strong arms, to imagine that that will almost certainly be him in a couple more years.

to watch a guy friend i've always had a secret little love for with his girlfriend.

i'm wondering where this pre-nesting fever will go. how high does it get? when does it come down?

is this time meaningful, does it mean the puzzle pieces will soon fall into place in my own life? is my energy awakening to all of this for a reason?

i often hope so. 'cause lately it's as little as being called "buddy" by someone I liked in an e-mail, or a bunch of people slow-dancing at a show while I sit there feeling like a rejected prom date that sets off my little internal roller coaster going up and down hills.

thank you for giving me this space to reflect upon my turbulent feelings tonight. i'm feeling a wide range of emotions about it, which i can't even put into words.

well, i guess i just did ... not the emotions, but i did outpour the words that the emotions are all active over.

or i could do::sadlonelyhopefulwishingdreamingprayingfearfulanxioustenseworriedwonderingunsurequestioninglikeimtheonlyoneinsixthgradewhohasn'tbeenaskedtodanceandit'smortifyingunrequitedmisunderstoodthecastoffthepracticegirlirritatedfloatingadrift..........................

...well, really now. I'm okay. perhaps this is just a hormonal phase? i've heard of that before. and i don't think it's anywhere near over. so i'm hoping it can spill over into something really, really good before too long.

a few good things are on my side, there. we'll see what time brings, i guess.


  1. Hi Karen,

    It must be hard feeling the way you do. Having been with my DH since we were 14 (married at 21) I can't really put myself in your shoes. However, I do believe the right person will come along. To give you hope - I have a friend - also named Karen, who didn't met the love of her life until her 40s. She had totally given up on meeting Mr Right and having a family when along he came. They got married and had twins and are very happily in love 10 years later. From what I know of you you are a fantastic person - you just need to wait to met perfect man for you. But I believe he's out there.


  2. Karen,

    I am sorry for your challenging situation. Not pitying mind you, but sorry for your hurt - even if it is only from time to time. Whenever it is, it is real.

    My brother is 38 - soon to be 39 this month and he's only had a small handful of dates since his wife left more than 10 years ago. He is a handsome, funny, wise man who has learned and grown so much in the wake of his divorce. He is a wonderful father to twin boys, 15 years old, and has chosen to make sure that he has a rich relationship with them and that they not go without. Because of this, he lives paycheck to paycheck, but has never missed a child support payment. While he continues on in his mobile home, his children, with their mother, live in a home that has been nicely remodeled; they lack for nothing.

    He has spoken regularly of thinking that he is now ready to be in a relationship. There were years that he did not want to entertain the idea because of the devotion to his children. And then he would say, "How could I take someone out? Would I invite them over to my place, in bad need of repairs, and offer her a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?" Personally, I think any woman would be lucky for that offer, because he is a wonderful, wonderful man and it breaks my heart when he is lonely. He, like you, is not always lonely. He has goals and many, many interests. He is a fine, self-taught musician and is training himself in computer coding to give him a future outside of the printing industry in which he now works. He is a deeply spiritual man and we have many good, philosophical talks - some that include wondering just what God is up to in the plans for his life.

    I understand, to a degree, your ache. Not for myself, but for his sake. I love him so very much and know he will make a wonderful husband to a VERY fortunate woman. She will be someone who is appreciated a great deal.

    Someone would be quite fortunate to meet you as well. You, like he, are a thoughtFUL person, very interesting, and kind. My prayer is that there WILL be someone for you - and him. Someday... at just the right time... and sooner, we pray, than later. It is hard to wait.

    Thank you for your candor. You are a special person. :)

    Take care,

  3. Hello Karen,
    Even though my life may seem pretty much in order at this point, I suffered many years of loneliness and similar feelings. I never even dated at all until I was nearly finished with college. I had only had one boyfriend when I met Jake. Looking back, I can see how valuable those years of solitude were for me. I learned who I really was at the core. You are a truly beautiful person in so many ways with so much love in you and I know there is someone out there for you. But unfortunately, the universe has a way of making us wait for the things we want the most... sometimes to the point where we think we can't take it anymore. I hope you can take people's "happy endings" (if there is such a thing) as hope and not despair that you have not quite found that thing yet. Because I believe you will. And I know others like you who are still searching. Our society makes people feel like if you don't find someone when you're still in your twenties then it's hopeless... but look at all the couples who marry young and get divorced and all the people who find the real love of their lives when they're in their forties or older... Julia Child's was in her forties, I believe. It's hard, but I believe our difficulties as well as our triumphs help us to grow. And even when people seem like they have it all, they may have other struggles that aren't on the surface. Just continue to be as courageous and honest as you are! Love comes in many mysterious ways!