what's a single, thirty-year-old woman who's watching her whole world couple up to do when that thing hits?
it's building, and building....
i don't have any answers. it feels like a big empty space in an otherwise happy, full life. i don't know why i haven't married yet. i tell myself again and again, like a mantra, that it must be for a reason.
i think i'm fairly pretty. i'm sweet, i'm independent. too independent? i don't think i give off that vibe.
i don't know why it's been this way for me. i do know that it took me a long time to learn things about relationships that i guess for most people come easily.
i haven't been in a serious relationship for just over three years now.
i don't know why i'm sharing this so intimately with blog land. that scares me. but since this is my journal, well ... i'm putting it out there.
seems like every guy i've dated or quasi "seen" since i've been here ... just not right in some glaring way, or totally not right, or totally non-committal, flippant. if they're still in their twenties, they're immature. if they're nearly forty or older, they have baggage. .. divorce, children.
it's a tough age on the dating scene. it's hard not to think something's wrong with you, but then you look at how you live and you look in the mirror and you can't reconcile that, either.
sometimes, it's honestly just painfully lonely. a part of me truly aches, like i can feel the ache, like a toothache that's livable but never truly goes away, it's always in the background.
this doesn't mean i spend every day lamenting my single-hood. it's been the best thing to ever happen to me. just now is a funny life phase of it seeming like 95 percent of friends or people i know are coupled up ... getting engaged ... having children. people younger than me, often.
i know i'm not ready yet financially, and that's part of the reason. i don't know where i might be three years down the road. part of me wants to travel to africa and ireland. all part of it.
it still aches to watch a pregnant friend hold another friend's 9-day-old baby. to watch another friend's fiance hold her in his strong arms, to imagine that that will almost certainly be him in a couple more years.
to watch a guy friend i've always had a secret little love for with his girlfriend.
i'm wondering where this pre-nesting fever will go. how high does it get? when does it come down?
is this time meaningful, does it mean the puzzle pieces will soon fall into place in my own life? is my energy awakening to all of this for a reason?
i often hope so. 'cause lately it's as little as being called "buddy" by someone I liked in an e-mail, or a bunch of people slow-dancing at a show while I sit there feeling like a rejected prom date that sets off my little internal roller coaster going up and down hills.
thank you for giving me this space to reflect upon my turbulent feelings tonight. i'm feeling a wide range of emotions about it, which i can't even put into words.
well, i guess i just did ... not the emotions, but i did outpour the words that the emotions are all active over.
or i could do::sadlonelyhopefulwishingdreamingprayingfearfulanxioustenseworriedwonderingunsurequestioninglikeimtheonlyoneinsixthgradewhohasn'tbeenaskedtodanceandit'smortifyingunrequitedmisunderstoodthecastoffthepracticegirlirritatedfloatingadrift..........................
...well, really now. I'm okay. perhaps this is just a hormonal phase? i've heard of that before. and i don't think it's anywhere near over. so i'm hoping it can spill over into something really, really good before too long.
a few good things are on my side, there. we'll see what time brings, i guess.