21 April :: burdened

Burdened by::

two months of seemingly nonstop spending, much of it on business travel and major car repairs and all the associated costs that stress at work (good stress mostly, but still) brings:: convenience food purchases, impulse buys, etc.

i have not been happy about the seemingly endless drain on money i'd just started saving, and that parents had given us as gifts.

i have really struggled with not having friends around to help with wedding planning. and not having any friend/family model to draw inspiration/know-how from. my friends are all busy with their own lives which is lovely. i'm just feeling so adrift here.

we are also planning potentially a big move this summer to the "big city" of virginia beach so john can find work for the next year. this will make my commute over an hour. however the benefits seem to far outweigh that although the commute will cost a pretty penny. after some insane car trouble and a sick pet, we are realizing how wonderful it will feel to live in a place that actually has readily available services. i won't have to spend seven hours on a saturday, for example, driving over an hour each way just to go to a few stores. but moving ... oh man, are we ever sick of that. we have a plan though. it will just take a while to hatch :-)

i feel like i'm kind of in "hold on tight" mode. it's a little nauseating. it's very uncertain. but we have each other. and i've adjusted accordingly. we now have a freezer full of good, healthy, unprocessed "convenience" foods because there are just lots of factors right now that aren't amenable to home-cooked meals each night. one must do what works for one's family at any given time. i have let this go and just made things easier for us to the best of my current ability.

i also created this:: my fiance does NOT know about it. not that there's any reason to keep it secret, but i just feel guilty about the whole thing as it was mostly my car that caused the trouble and MY job that caused us to live in a place where jobs for professionals are almost nil. so please don't go broadcasting the link on facebook, please please. but it's there if maybe it could get passed along secretly, email to email or something. or not.

i'm going to make the rest of this day about tea, and yarn, and taking deep breaths.

and maybe reading my blog list for inspiration.

i'm going to really dig deep within myself to right my world a bit. i know, given this past week's events, that things could always be worse. i know i can let a lot go that i stubbornly hold onto, including ideas and notions that just won't work no matter how much i want them to. it all goes back to simplify/balance, i believe those are intentions i created for myself even before the new year. time to bring them up and reflect upon and act on them.

blessings and light,

k.