the confusion

The pictures above are from my recent trip to Fredericksburg. The last photo is a summer favorite -- orzo summer pasta salad (minus pasta). 

I swear, I'm not intentionally going so long without posting.

I have so many thoughts today though, so perhaps that will make up for the void. It's been a rough weekend, between my car of 13 years finally going into transmission fail and worries about money along with other anxieties I don't yet feel comfortable sharing publicly (we are fine though!). Luckily Friday was our last day for the summer with children so I'm just not going in tomorrow because I need a day to catch up on home life and to destress.

My brain has been feeling a bit convoluted lately. I think it started in part when my parents came in last week and spent a few days here. It was wonderful time with them, but it threw off my routine/menu plan and even though I was decently flexible with shifting things around I realize how good I've gotten at my illusion of control (same with losing a car, which will likely be the case for the next few weeks as I research getting a "new" one) and how dependent I've become on it.

Sometimes (more often than not) I still very much love what I'm doing. But other times, I realize how hard it is to do what I do, both in terms of being able to practice the Montessori method purely in the context of a school, and in terms of making what I'm truly worth and being able to live without feeling so financially fragile. Sigh. Seems to be the sticking point for our entire generation. ALL of my friends and DH's friends are struggling to make ends meet let alone afford things like a vacation (we're talking a simple two nights away in a cabin somewhere!! forget it!!) or paint/curtains for our new living room. Sometimes I want to get back into writing, not journalism but freelance. Sometimes I just want a decent "grind" job like I had at trader joe's or at a coffee shop/yarn shop (no money there either though and other issues like random hours/working holidays). Sometimes I want to just go be a hippie homesteader (tell that to DH...!). I'm feeling just a bit disillusioned with this extremely short life. I want to do what i WANT to do. selfish? yes. truthful? yes.

I won't go on into a full-on complain fest, poor DH got the brunt of it earlier and was so very kind and understanding. I even skipped the politics of it all for his sake.

I just wish I had more time. For crafting. For gardening/canning. For reading. For overall self/family enrichment. I fill all of it as it is with full-time work and being a proud part-time "homemaker." There just always seems to be less time than what I have ideas for :-)

This area has been a particularly difficult one to adjust to. It's not a demographic we are at all familiar with -- I'll leave it there. I can usually find ways to be happy anywhere but neither of us is having a good go of it. I think once I get the used car situation nailed down I would like to be more proactive about making a master list of frugal things to experience. Saving up the stores again. And making some connections. But we're also "keeping the options open" as much as it pains us to do so (we are SO ready to settle).

So many blogs present life as this endless panoramic of wildflowers, nearly fully-knitted items made with pricey yarn, baskets overflowing with large garden goodness, and serene life with young children. I love all of that but they're lacking honesty. So I turn to my own blog for that, obviously :-) This is how I keep me accountable to ME.

And now if you'll excuse me I'm totally feeling a Sunday nap coming on ..... I do hope to see you all again much sooner than the last time I posted!!