Saturday, November 3, 2012

happenstances and on being:: 3 november

i am not a super blogger.

i do not have time or money for a fancy camera and all of its light and angles.

i am a teacher of very modest means with a whole lot of student loan debt, and very meager (just started!) savings. really, i can't even buy a vitamix on my savings. nor would i. i have no idea what this money is for. i just want it to accumulate. then i'm going to stick it in a bank (NOT the bank where the man called me "young lady" more than once -- yes, it happened) where it will accumulate more through interest. only time will tell what it's for. i hope it's good.

in my ideal world, i do not work. i knit and sew all day, and have an online store. when i'm not knitting or sewing, i'm cooking and baking. or napping. or taking super super super long walks by the beach, around the town, on the treadmill. i LOVE to walk. i swim, too. i also write and paint. in my ideal world, full of time.

i do not have perfect hair. i am not fat, and i am certainly not skinny. my left side hurts. a lot. i have no idea what i did to get random sore spots poking out between my ribs.

i do not currently belong to a yoga studio, or a CSA, or a co-op. these things do not exist where i found a job.

i am getting married in less than a year and have absolutely nothing planned.

still, i enjoy being on here and i realize i do not envy those of you who have the things i do not, even though my life would certainly be happy with them.

i strive just to live each day as fully and as mindfully as i can. sometimes i do all the things i love. sometimes it's enough to get the dog walked and tacos on the table (easiest from-scratch dinner ever) and roll into bed with a few pages of my current book read.

i've been struggling lately, inner. a lot. fall does this to me. i'm not yet done walking this path, but i'm closer than ever to knowing the terminus. there where, the with who, the how.

we all want to be the best version of ourselves. it's an everyday reality for me. i strive, yet i strive harder to be mindful in the moment. this is not easy when your mind tries to do time travel for you, taking you to places and times that don't exist.

when it comes down to water and wind coming your way and you're forced to leave it all behind you, you are reminded of what's most important. and you work hard to keep what you've got not only alive, but burning alive. when your soul feels lost, you do your best to keep the water out, keep things level, keep things above. you turn to joy in a sea bird, a deer, a tub of organic salad greens, hope for a child. hope for a president. hope for humanity. you buy real watercolors, and watch with joy as they transform a blank white page. work -- love made visible. you begin to really, truly feel the soft, warm wool between your fingers, how sturdy the lace sits on the bamboo needles. you are comforted by a pumpkin's orange, a dog's trusting gaze, your lover's embrace. you are not what you feared you were, and yet you are everything you've ever dreamed of being.

i guess, for now, that's all i have to say.

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