i'm one of those people who likes to think she keeps evolving as she ages.
today was a hard day for both John and I as we each took a look at our current finances. but it will only be impossible for five more days for me, when there is a clean slate to work with.
i'll tell you the truth :: i am NOT looking forward to a very tight budget (i mean, almost NO wiggle room, if that). but i am through -- dare we say, FED. UP. with all the negative and physically stressful (perhaps the scariest) feelings that have come from living paycheck to paycheck for far too many years, and the only person who is ever going to change the cycle is ME. i firmly believe that escaping money management woes (including not sticking to a budget, and being afraid to look your bank balance in the eye on any given day) is truly akin to quitting smoking. drinking. breaking away from an abusive relationship (this last one, i think yes -- with my money). it. is. HARD. it's a total shift in mindset, but what it's taken me a few years to learn is, it MUST be PAIRED with action. and now, i am ready to act.
this space is my soapbox. this space is where i get strong. this space is where i hold myself accountable to living my own authentic life, not what's "out there" and 99 percent of people think is appropriate just because they've never thought of another way.
i caught up on an old blog i used to read today. this woman is a loving soul, a mother and wife who truly lives her values and spreads goodness to others. i was truly inspired. she is not perfect, but she's ever-evolving. i feel so grateful to her today. immediately after doing that, i went offline, picked up some knitting, and just felt grateful for the companionship of my dog and the sun and the soft yarn in my hands.
|i adore books like these ...|
it was enough. now we're home, which i've made a happy, cozy space where we WANT to be and rarely feel restless.
something is happening in me, i'm losing that desire to feel "caught up" in the second-to-second play by play of our fast-paced world. what happened in egypt? are those two murderous teenagers going to jail for life for killing their best friend? how about that plane crash? to mindlessly scroll the facebook feed. i listen to podcasts and hear how connected people are to several media at once (blog, FB, twitter, tumbler, flickr, reddit, and the list goes on ...) and it makes my head spin. how to keep so many personas in addition to the offline world we all must inhabit? how often do you meet someone these days who says, "Are you on Facebook? I'll just add you!" Might as well be death to the budding friendship.
You know what I want to do? Cook. Knit. Read. Take long walks and spend quality time with my fiance and my dog. Learn a new skill. Feel like I can breathe and be at peace in my spirit. Content with what I have. Secure financially.
It. is. hard. to break the mold, but all it takes is one small determined, hard-to-make step in front of the other. I long for the time when I had a terribly long attention span and could spend a whole afternoon wrapped up in one novel. I plod the path in backward fashion, and the farther I get from the almighty hurry the safer I feel. It's certainly NOT the path of least resistance, but ever hear that to go forward on a new path, you often must go back? Yeah. Food for thought. Free your mind, and the rest shall follow.
Here are some pictures I took this morning, feeling grateful. Friends, soon this will be my ONLY online place (aside from keeping a record of projects I want to accomplish on Ravelry). I love the Internet, but only as a tool to support the simple, enlightened way I want to live. A recipe here, an inspiring podcast or how-to knitting video there. Do we really need to Google EVERYTHING or can we just wonder sometimes, let it go. We certainly don't need constant barrages of negative news hampering our various levels of health. But lest I shall go on ... let me just let these images BE. I'm so excited to document my ever-evolving life, both for myself and for the possible help toward bettering someone else's.
love and light,